April 15, 2009

How do you handle this?

I saw Pete again today. He was in my area on a job interview, and we spent the afternoon together. We had a coffee, then went for a walk around the upper west side. We decided to go for a drink at a pub, then had dinner together. We finally went our separate ways around 9:30, after spending about 6 hours together. I got several delicious kisses goodnight, and he thought the pastries were very thoughtful.

But (you knew that was coming), my Scorpio jealousy flared up a bit during a conversation we had. At least on the inside. Of course, on the outside, I remained inquisitive, yet cool and optimistic. He brought up his "mean ex" while we were at the pub, in a blase way. He has referred to her a couple of times, and told me that she was intelligent but harsh, critical and unfriendly, even with his family and friends.

This chick sounds like nothing for me to worry about. But today, while we were talking about this (briefly, but still), I told him I was only asking because I saw photos of her in his cell phone and his apartment, (His response to those photos were "That's nothing for you to worry about," or "We don't need to talk about that.") and was wondering if it was traumatic for him.

And that's when he said it: "Of course it was traumatic. I loved her. She was the person I was going to spend my life with."

That sentence hit me like a punch in the throat. My face didn't flinch, but my stomach turned in a knot and I immediately felt a burning surge of jealousy. I guess I've got it bad.

Maybe it's my own insecurity. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't fallen in love yet. Maybe it's the fact that he broke up with this girl only in August of last year. Maybe it's my heart rushing things and causing my head to spin, but whatever it is, I am spinning.

This would be easier to swallow if I didn't know her name, hadn't seen several pictures of her in his phone and two at his apartment (she's pretty), and frankly, if he hadn't used the "L" word regarding someone else. Of course, I asked for it, and I'm now driving myself crazy. I automatically feel inferior to this chick, and now my world has been rocked, and I'm not feeling so secure as I have been in the past couple of weeks.

On top of this, I know via my stalkeriffic skills that he's been signing onto the online dating website (where we met) just about every day. Even tonight after seeing me.

Oh, don't judge. It's actually pretty easy - viewing someone's profile tells you the last time they signed on. I'm not proud of doing this, but falling for a guy will do crazy things to a girl.

This guy's talk and actions all go in the right direction. Chivalry, generosity, chemistry and fun are all good signs. He's told me he wants a girlfriend, wants to be in a relationship. And maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. But here are my issues, boiled down in easy-to-read format:
  • I don't want to be a rebound.
  • I want a committed, exclusive relationship.
  • I don't know where I stand with him.

We've gone out 5 times and first began talking on the phone about a month ago. I know some people go months dating before deciding to be exclusive. Here are my questions:
  • How long do I wait?
  • Is the ex something I should be concerned about?
  • Should I bring up the exclusivity talk?

And finally... how much time do I give the guy before I allow myself to get hurt?



LuLu Lake said...

Liking and loving someone is hard. It really makes you feel crazy, and I would feel the same way. Maybe give it a couple more dates and then ask him if he wants an exclusive relationship. Just have fun in the mean time!

Jules said...

Enjoy it....
but maybe you should tell him how you feel. That you don't now where you stand with him. I would ask him in which direction he feels the thing is moving.
good luck

Hayley said...

Thanks for the advice! I think I'm going to give him until the 2 month mark. At that point, if the conversation hasn't happened... it will. :) Thanks girls!

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Carolina Girl said...

Gosh, been there!! It's so hard. I started dating my guy RIGHT after a big break up where his ex broke up with him. It was really hard in the beginning. I constantly was afraid I was rebound girl and he talked about her a lot too. ("I can't stand her" or "She's a mean person" but deep down you know that is code for I still care) Anyways, just go with your gut instincts. That is the best advice I can give you. You don't want to give away a great guy just because you are afraid. But on the other hand, if you get to a point where you feel like it's not going anywhere, or this girl might still be in his life somehow, then you'll know what to do. Good luck girl! :)