What, pray tell good sir, is that?

It rather seems like I've been asking many questions lately, and tonight I am going to ask another.

At the gym (always a good source for blog fodder), I had done my 20min treadmill warm-up and headed to the elliptical for a nice, high-resistance 30min session. I spotted a free machine in front of the TBS channel, and jumped at it. Seconds later, I'm spinning the dial on my iPod and glance to the right, where I see a guy with Brandon Boyd's body and Chris O'Donnell's face working out next to me.

Yeah. Jackpot.

He catches my glance and we flash friendly smiles before moving on to our business. For a few minutes I'm in rhythm, getting in the zone, when I notice out of the corner of my eye, Chris Boyd's head moving in a peculiar, inconsistent manner. I subtlely glance over and down, and am perturbed by what I see.

Now, as an aside, I couldn't find a picture of what this guy was doing anywhere on the interwebs, and if Google can't find it, it has to be weird.

Mr. Boyd had one ankle crossed over the other, while he basically rode the elliptical on one pedal, keeping the arms going, but basically having both feet on the right pedal. This technique caused this beautiful man both to move in a jerky, less-than-smooth manner on the machine, as well as to look dainty and, of course, unattractive.

Ladies, this was the elliptical equivalent of riding sidesaddle.

I almost went cross-eyed straining to look at this guy while keeping my head facing forward. He would do this for about a minute, then go back to normalcy. But about every five minutes, he'd be sidesaddle again, rotating sides but still looking like a douche.

Now, I'm no personal trainer, I am not Jillian Michaels, and I pronounced it "pie-lates" before I knew better. I'm no exercise expert. So if you are, or if you do this thing yourself, please tell me.

What is that?

If you're tired, slow down or take a pause for water. If you have a cramp, pause and stretch. But for the love of all that is holy, please avoid this effeminate and awkward technique, especially if you are sinewy of figure and have dimples to kill. Chris Boyd could have asked me to go to Peter Luger's right then and there, and... well, I'd still consider it but I wouldn't be as ecstatic as normal. I'd be panicked trying to figure out a roundabout way to ask him WTF was up with that move.

Any thoughts?
Hayley

Where did all the good guys go?

I have been having less-than-stellar luck with this online dating adventure I've commenced. I know not everyone I meet will be a match, naturally. But do we see a pattern of communication here?

Guy #1: no chemistry (in my opinion)
Guy #2: no chemistry (in both our opinions)
Guy #3: talked only about himself - was over after 1/2 cappuccino
Guy #4: Pete. Really really liked. Busy schedules but great phone. Had our last great conversation about a month ago, never heard from him again.
Guy #5: more into me than I was into him.
Guy #6: 2 awesome emails, 1 great 2-hour phone call, agreement to meet for dinner... never heard from him again.
Guy #7: 4 great emails, asked me for my number to talk over the phone, I email it... never heard from him again.
Guy #8: good AIM conversations for about 4 days, suddenly never appears online anymore.

Pattern?

What is it with guys and the disappearing act? I'm not gonna say I've never done it, but definitely not in the last couple of years. We're too old for that.

Gentlemen, if you're not feeling it with a girl, the manly thing to do is tell her. If not to her face, then over the phone, even over email or (shudders) text. At least the rejection will be clear, even if you don't provide a reason.

And as an aside, as I wasn't in official relationships with any of these guys, I'm aware they didn't "owe me" any explanation, or so I'm told. But isn't informative honestly the most respectful way to speak with someone?

After experimenting with a 6-month membership begun in February (it's up in August), I have learned a few things about the digital jungle that is online dating:

• Appearances usually disappoint, compared to photos and the image you conjure up in your head.
• Going into the date, you must be prepared with lots of interesting, open-ended questions to keep the conversation going.
• Men (and women) seem to approach this form of dating like a sport. It's high-volume and low-risk, so you can never assume you're special to anyone.
• First impressions are paramount. If he isn't interested in making his a good one, it's all downhill from there.
• Like Chris Rock said, on a date, you aren't meeting the person; you're meeting their representative. Everyone has flaws, skeletons and quirks that will eventually come out and annoy you.
• Don't let the stars in your head get too shiny. Until he says it, you are NOT exclusive.
• Keeping your pants on keeps your guard up. Physical intimacy leads to emotional attachment, so stay away. You look at men more objectively when you haven't gone past kissing.
• Update pictures every couple of months. There's nothing more annoying than meeting someone whose pictures were taken 2 years or 30lbs ago, especially when you put yourself out there honestly and clearly.
• For each new person you meet, try a new place. So if the date sucks, at least you tried a new pub/restaurant/cafe.
• Take a date with someone who's not your type. You might stumble upon your new type, or gain a new friend in the process.

So ladies, if you're considering taking the plunge, I say go for it. You spend the amount you'd spend in a weekend in the city (easily) for a 6-month membership. You'll meet new people, enhance your calendar and maybe even meet someone special. The downsides are that since these potential matches aren't much more than complete strangers, it's very easy for them to disappear, seemingly out of the blue. There are also many people on there for whom it's easy to see why they are single.

I'm going to keep on trucking with this for the next couple of months. Assuming I don't meet a good match by mid-August, I'm giving my subscription a break. Playing the game can be tiring, but not if you always remember that for many men, it is a game.

And boys, if you're not feeling a girl, just tell her, damn it!

Kiss,
Hayley

Next!

I called him Friday. No call back. I called him last night (while he was on match.com). No call back yet. So, I deleted Fuckface (my friend Brian's affectionate term for Pete) from my phone. I knew if I kept his hard-to-memorize number in my phone that I'd always be tempted to reach out to a guy who hasn't made an effort to contact me in a week, not even to tell me it's not working out and he's not interested. So I took Patti Stanger's advice, and made a vacuum for the universe to fill.

Let me splain. I'm not a big metaphysical believer, and I was very skeptical when I read parts of The Secret. But Patti makes a great point in her book when she talks about getting rejected by a guy: cut off all ties, focus on the positive future, and make room in your life for a new guy to come in. Like Suze Orman encourages people to clean out their wallets so new money can come in, Patti advocates getting rid of gifts from exes, and purging memories and contact information to make room for new ones.

For the record, 2 minutes after I did this, my Blackberry buzzed with a wink from a new guy. After looking at his profile I'm not totally interested, but I thought the timing was notable.

Whether the small action of deleting Pete from my phone brings another better man close to me remains to be seen. However, now I can avoid the sting of rejection when I'm scrolling through my contacts and come across his name. Plus, the ball is permanently in his court, so if he wanted to contact me, he can. But I won't be able to call him, no matter how much I want to (and I do). And eventually, I swear I will get past the stalking-his-match-profile stage.

Odds are, he met someone else that he's more interested in and is focusing on her. Or perhaps he decided he's not into a serious relationship at the moment, and is logging onto match.com for fun or out of boredom. Either way, I'm sure Steve Ward and Patti would say he wasn't the guy for me, and there's no point wasting time or emotion on him. That's easier said than done, and I doubt I'll ever get the closure I want out of this. But dating is after all a numbers game, and I try on tons of shoes before finding a pair I adore, so dating wouldn't be much different, I suppose.

Maybe this seems melodramatic for a guy with whom I had 5 dates in 2 months... but when I feel a click, I know it, and I guess I fall hard and fast. But I'm not the first girl to get rejected, or to have a guy disappear on her out of the blue. I'm sure it'll happen again. But for now, I'm planning travel, communicating with other guys and exercising my butt off.

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my hormone roller coaster! I'm sure there will be plenty more stories for you, and maybe one of them will be one about finding true love.

Next!
Hayley

Not much to report

To make short of a long story that is probably deathly boring to anyone but me, things with Pete are progressing... decently.

The good signs:

• he got jealous when I mentioned that I went out to dinner with another guy last weekend when he was too busy to have a date with me
• then he tried to convince me that the other guy is a tool and how much better he is
• we still talk on the phone for hours, a couple times a week
• he's as funny and charming as ever
• And the big one... when I asked if he was dating anyone else, I received an incredulous "No."

The bad signs:

• I haven't seen him in about 2 weeks, because we've both had our weekends full.

That wouldn't bother me as much, except I think he may have been sliiiightly busier than I. Regardless, we were talking about making plans last night. He's free Saturday, I'm not, due to a family 30th birthday party. I'm free Friday, he's not, due to an engagement party of a friend. I'm so frustrated! I miss him, and I'm afraid of the old saying - out of sight, out of mind. We've still been talking plenty so I shouldn't be worried, but I'm starting to wonder if we're ever going to go out again, and if he's going to start to lose interest. And I don't want to move into the Friend Zone.

Hopefully something will be figured out this weekend... at least lunch, please!!! Please?

"I like talking to you."

Pete and I took a break from seeing each other this weekend... we both had other plans and saw each other twice last week. But of course, as always, I was dying to talk to him and as I wished/predicted, he called last night. It was another funny, sexy coy 2-hour conversation, as always.

But my favorite part was around the 90-minute mark, when I told him I was pleasantly surprised at his enjoyment of the phone. Most men, as we know, use the phone for strictly business, and find nothing duller or effeminate than talking on the phone for more than 15 minutes.

Me: "I have to tell you, I'm surprised that we talk for so long on the phone. Most men hate the phone."
Pete: "I hate the phone. I always text for plans and I can't stand calling people. But I like talking to you."

::swoon::

It must be a good sign when a straight, 26-year old man will talk to you for 2 or 3 hours at a time, and only hang up because you have to get up for work in 5 hours... right?

Crossing my fingers for a call tomorrow, to make plans for Saturday... we'll see. More on this later.

Hayley

WTF?

Another one!

Just got off the phone with a new guy... who managed to mention his ex in the first 4 minutes of conversation!!!

What is going on with you men? Get a clue!

How do you handle this?

I saw Pete again today. He was in my area on a job interview, and we spent the afternoon together. We had a coffee, then went for a walk around the upper west side. We decided to go for a drink at a pub, then had dinner together. We finally went our separate ways around 9:30, after spending about 6 hours together. I got several delicious kisses goodnight, and he thought the pastries were very thoughtful.

But (you knew that was coming), my Scorpio jealousy flared up a bit during a conversation we had. At least on the inside. Of course, on the outside, I remained inquisitive, yet cool and optimistic. He brought up his "mean ex" while we were at the pub, in a blase way. He has referred to her a couple of times, and told me that she was intelligent but harsh, critical and unfriendly, even with his family and friends.

This chick sounds like nothing for me to worry about. But today, while we were talking about this (briefly, but still), I told him I was only asking because I saw photos of her in his cell phone and his apartment, (His response to those photos were "That's nothing for you to worry about," or "We don't need to talk about that.") and was wondering if it was traumatic for him.

And that's when he said it: "Of course it was traumatic. I loved her. She was the person I was going to spend my life with."

That sentence hit me like a punch in the throat. My face didn't flinch, but my stomach turned in a knot and I immediately felt a burning surge of jealousy. I guess I've got it bad.

Maybe it's my own insecurity. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't fallen in love yet. Maybe it's the fact that he broke up with this girl only in August of last year. Maybe it's my heart rushing things and causing my head to spin, but whatever it is, I am spinning.

This would be easier to swallow if I didn't know her name, hadn't seen several pictures of her in his phone and two at his apartment (she's pretty), and frankly, if he hadn't used the "L" word regarding someone else. Of course, I asked for it, and I'm now driving myself crazy. I automatically feel inferior to this chick, and now my world has been rocked, and I'm not feeling so secure as I have been in the past couple of weeks.

On top of this, I know via my stalkeriffic skills that he's been signing onto the online dating website (where we met) just about every day. Even tonight after seeing me.

Oh, don't judge. It's actually pretty easy - viewing someone's profile tells you the last time they signed on. I'm not proud of doing this, but falling for a guy will do crazy things to a girl.

This guy's talk and actions all go in the right direction. Chivalry, generosity, chemistry and fun are all good signs. He's told me he wants a girlfriend, wants to be in a relationship. And maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. But here are my issues, boiled down in easy-to-read format:

• I don't want to be a rebound.
• I want a committed, exclusive relationship.
• I don't know where I stand with him.

We've gone out 5 times and first began talking on the phone about a month ago. I know some people go months dating before deciding to be exclusive. Here are my questions:

• How long do I wait?
• Is the ex something I should be concerned about?
• Should I bring up the exclusivity talk?

And finally... how much time do I give the guy before I allow myself to get hurt?

Hayley

Update on the boy

Not that anyone besides me really cares... but as you may have read a week or so ago, I am slightly infatuated with Pete (pseudonym), a guy who I've been dating for a little over a month. We went on our fourth date last night, at a sushi place with great cocktails (I only had 2). I didn't have work today, but he did... and I still stayed at his place kissing and spooning until 2am. He still complained when I left.

He has paid for every date. He is an amazing kisser. We have the most exciting chemistry I've felt with anyone in a long time. He opens doors, pays me compliments, and isn't trying to rush into bed. We talk about the Philharmonic, our families, our careers, and little things, like how he'd get rid of his refrigerator if he had the time to shop and cook for every meal.

He happens to have a meeting in my neck of the woods tomorrow, so we're meeting up after work. After four great dates, progressing from drinks, to dinners out, to a dinner in, I'm taking a cue from Patti Stanger (you'll see why in the next post) and doing something sweet for the guy, maybe bringing him more of the Italian pastries he loved when I brought them to dinner at his place.

Honestly, I just want to see him smiling at me, and get a kiss. Or 10. Wheeeee!

- Hayley

Completely Self-Indulgent

Warning... this post is going to be a very self-absorbed one, for reasons I'll explain below. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, commentary or a smile-and-nod reaction (providing you actually read it) but I do have some thoughts to get off my chest.

First off, a little background. Within the last year I ended a long-term relationship, and before that was college, where I (and the whole of my campus) was chronically single. Or, to put it in a more positive light, "having a good time." I've been doing a lot more dating lately, trying to get back into the game. It's been a while since I got off the bench and I'm having some trouble remembering how to play. Or if the game is even the same as it used to be.

(OK, enough with the metaphor. March Madness is over, Hayley.... get over it...)

Anyway, this past weekend I had my third date with a guy I'll call Pete. The first was drinks at a pub, lots of laughs, about 4 hours of conversation and an awesome goodnight kiss. The second was dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, and I'll be honest here, about an hour of PG-fun outside my apartment door. Lovely. This past weekend, I went to his place where he cooked me dinner, we had wine, watched a little "Entourage," and while we didn't abide by the Third Date Rule, there were some very good times had. We spent the last couple of hours of the date cuddling and talking, even dozing off a little bit. Finally at 2:00am I tore myself away and he walked me to a cab.

Sounds good so far, right?


The good signs include chivalry (paying for everything, opening doors, ladies first... swoon), intelligence (he used the word "pedantic" and I laughed along, then googled it while he was in the bathroom), hilarity (sharp, dry and smart), and sweetness (a 2:15am text that says "come back" and being told often, but not too often, that I'm beautiful). We talk on the phone about twice a week, for at least an hour each time. Our first date was March 14, so we've known each other less than a month... but it feels like so much longer.

Sounds great. At least in half my mind.

In the other half of my mind are many things. Self-consciousness. Why me? What do I have to offer? Does he see the flaws I see? Does he get as much out of this as I do? Tentativeness. How often can I call? I should wait for him to call. When should I make a first move? How do I keep him interested but also be honest about my feelings? Fear. I'm afraid he'll get bored or decide I'm not worthy of girlfriend status and will walk away.

I want to be Pete's girlfriend. I want to know that we only have each other in our romantic lives, that we're not both fishing, that he's as into me as I am into him. I want him to ask me to meet his family. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to make breakfast for us and take him to the opera and fall asleep together on a blanket in the park.

Maybe I fall hard and fast... probably. While I'm guarded with my feelings around others, in private I'm willing the phone to ring and thinking about him all the time. And I want him to be thinking of me too.

I wanted to post about this to get some of my feelings out before I drive myself crazy. Besides, I think my friends are sick of hearing about him, at least for a little while! But here's what I ask: how do I ensure that we go on a 4th date, and 5th, and so on? How can I tell if he's into me or just testing the waters? Am I being too impatient? How many good dates does it take to make a guy want to be exclusive? And how the hell do I keep my fingers from dialing his number? ;-)

The thrill of the chase... it's driving me absolutely mad!

What would you do?

You're dating a cute guy casually for about a month. He's smart, cultured, well-read, well-traveled, calls when he says he will, dresses well, and believes in chivalry. You two have amazing chemistry, and he mentions how he can't wait to meet your family, and despite being from California, he loves the east coast and has no plans to return to Cali.

He calls you one evening to tell you that he can't commit to a relationship right now, because he's applied for medical fellowships around the country, and has accepted one in Chicago, beginning in February.

Oh, but he wants to still be friends.

Do you...

a) cry and eat a box of chocolates,
b) tell him to go to hell, and that it's his loss,
c) try to convince him that long-distance relationships aren't "too bad," or
d) answer "uh, OK" in a surprised silence, cut him off when he tries to make small talk, and sit staring at your wall, wondering why on God's green earth a guy would get involved with a girl at all when he had possible relocations coming in the near future, and why you wasted a month's worth of Saturday nights with him?

Just askin' is all.
H

Date Wrap-Up!

Hello everyone!
Thank you so much to everyone who responded with advice for my big first date. Without being, as Carrie would put it, "emotionally slutty," here are some highlights:

- My outfit: red silk deep-V cami, brown cashmere cardigan, super-dark Seven jeans, black leather 4-inch peep-toes, big crystal pendant (prettier than it sounds), pearl studs, and brown/gold trim clutch.

- We went out for dinner at Legal Seafoods, hence the more casual choice in outfit. We planned on going to a movie afterwards, but...

- ...we sat talking at the restaurant for almost four hours!

- The stuffed shrimp was outstanding.

- He has great manners, was a total gentleman and of course, picked up the check.

We had such a great time... I haven't had a night like this in a long time, where a four-hour dinner passes in what feels like 20 minutes. Or when the guy walks me to my car, and I get butterflies wondering if he's going to kiss me.

Great night :-D

I know I've been MIA lately, but with starting a new job at work, things have been a bit hectic. I recently went to Key West as well, and will have to do an update on that. Be back soon!

Cheers,
Hayley

Which would you rather?

My favorite topic of conversation, third after style and music, is men. Not Carrie Bradshaw-type obsessive discussion, but more lighthearted fare, such as my favorite male get-ups.

I don't consider myself a male fashion connoisseur, nor do I desire to be. But I know, as a heterosexual woman, what looks good and what looks busted. Some male trends I never understood include cargo pants and shorts (does anyone actually keep stuff in there?), loud Hawaiian print shirts (same goes for Tiki and ethnic), "athletic sandals" such as Tevas and Chacos, and most recently, the huge-hat-with-flat-round-brim-and-multiple-stickers-left-on trend, fortunately left mostly to the high-school and college set. But it finds its way to Happy Hour once in a while.

Which brings me to the question: Given the trappings of the gentlemen below, which would you rather ____?

The Naughty Best Man*
Pros: dressed-up, yet disheveled and sexy
Cons: could be drunk


The Professional Undone
Pros: masculine business wear with a casual touch, looks intelligent
Cons: beware the short-sleeved button-down shirt


The Sleeping Beaux
Pros: simple, expert at spooning
Cons: abs not typical


The Post-Game Guy
Pros: muscles under dirty jerseys, bonus points for scratches and white football pants
Cons: could smell a little too manly


The Frat Daddy
Pros: classic, easy to do, laid back
Cons: definitely intoxicated, possible popped collar


The Free Spirit*
Pros: no distractions from the guy, puts you at ease
Cons: old (possibly rank) Birkenstocks or Reefs

Sweet dreams,
Hayley

* - my favorite looks for men