How do you handle this?

I saw Pete again today. He was in my area on a job interview, and we spent the afternoon together. We had a coffee, then went for a walk around the upper west side. We decided to go for a drink at a pub, then had dinner together. We finally went our separate ways around 9:30, after spending about 6 hours together. I got several delicious kisses goodnight, and he thought the pastries were very thoughtful.

But (you knew that was coming), my Scorpio jealousy flared up a bit during a conversation we had. At least on the inside. Of course, on the outside, I remained inquisitive, yet cool and optimistic. He brought up his "mean ex" while we were at the pub, in a blase way. He has referred to her a couple of times, and told me that she was intelligent but harsh, critical and unfriendly, even with his family and friends.

This chick sounds like nothing for me to worry about. But today, while we were talking about this (briefly, but still), I told him I was only asking because I saw photos of her in his cell phone and his apartment, (His response to those photos were "That's nothing for you to worry about," or "We don't need to talk about that.") and was wondering if it was traumatic for him.

And that's when he said it: "Of course it was traumatic. I loved her. She was the person I was going to spend my life with."

That sentence hit me like a punch in the throat. My face didn't flinch, but my stomach turned in a knot and I immediately felt a burning surge of jealousy. I guess I've got it bad.

Maybe it's my own insecurity. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't fallen in love yet. Maybe it's the fact that he broke up with this girl only in August of last year. Maybe it's my heart rushing things and causing my head to spin, but whatever it is, I am spinning.

This would be easier to swallow if I didn't know her name, hadn't seen several pictures of her in his phone and two at his apartment (she's pretty), and frankly, if he hadn't used the "L" word regarding someone else. Of course, I asked for it, and I'm now driving myself crazy. I automatically feel inferior to this chick, and now my world has been rocked, and I'm not feeling so secure as I have been in the past couple of weeks.

On top of this, I know via my stalkeriffic skills that he's been signing onto the online dating website (where we met) just about every day. Even tonight after seeing me.

Oh, don't judge. It's actually pretty easy - viewing someone's profile tells you the last time they signed on. I'm not proud of doing this, but falling for a guy will do crazy things to a girl.

This guy's talk and actions all go in the right direction. Chivalry, generosity, chemistry and fun are all good signs. He's told me he wants a girlfriend, wants to be in a relationship. And maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. But here are my issues, boiled down in easy-to-read format:

• I don't want to be a rebound.
• I want a committed, exclusive relationship.
• I don't know where I stand with him.

We've gone out 5 times and first began talking on the phone about a month ago. I know some people go months dating before deciding to be exclusive. Here are my questions:

• How long do I wait?
• Is the ex something I should be concerned about?
• Should I bring up the exclusivity talk?

And finally... how much time do I give the guy before I allow myself to get hurt?

Hayley

Completely Self-Indulgent

Warning... this post is going to be a very self-absorbed one, for reasons I'll explain below. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, commentary or a smile-and-nod reaction (providing you actually read it) but I do have some thoughts to get off my chest.

First off, a little background. Within the last year I ended a long-term relationship, and before that was college, where I (and the whole of my campus) was chronically single. Or, to put it in a more positive light, "having a good time." I've been doing a lot more dating lately, trying to get back into the game. It's been a while since I got off the bench and I'm having some trouble remembering how to play. Or if the game is even the same as it used to be.

(OK, enough with the metaphor. March Madness is over, Hayley.... get over it...)

Anyway, this past weekend I had my third date with a guy I'll call Pete. The first was drinks at a pub, lots of laughs, about 4 hours of conversation and an awesome goodnight kiss. The second was dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, and I'll be honest here, about an hour of PG-fun outside my apartment door. Lovely. This past weekend, I went to his place where he cooked me dinner, we had wine, watched a little "Entourage," and while we didn't abide by the Third Date Rule, there were some very good times had. We spent the last couple of hours of the date cuddling and talking, even dozing off a little bit. Finally at 2:00am I tore myself away and he walked me to a cab.

Sounds good so far, right?


The good signs include chivalry (paying for everything, opening doors, ladies first... swoon), intelligence (he used the word "pedantic" and I laughed along, then googled it while he was in the bathroom), hilarity (sharp, dry and smart), and sweetness (a 2:15am text that says "come back" and being told often, but not too often, that I'm beautiful). We talk on the phone about twice a week, for at least an hour each time. Our first date was March 14, so we've known each other less than a month... but it feels like so much longer.

Sounds great. At least in half my mind.

In the other half of my mind are many things. Self-consciousness. Why me? What do I have to offer? Does he see the flaws I see? Does he get as much out of this as I do? Tentativeness. How often can I call? I should wait for him to call. When should I make a first move? How do I keep him interested but also be honest about my feelings? Fear. I'm afraid he'll get bored or decide I'm not worthy of girlfriend status and will walk away.

I want to be Pete's girlfriend. I want to know that we only have each other in our romantic lives, that we're not both fishing, that he's as into me as I am into him. I want him to ask me to meet his family. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to make breakfast for us and take him to the opera and fall asleep together on a blanket in the park.

Maybe I fall hard and fast... probably. While I'm guarded with my feelings around others, in private I'm willing the phone to ring and thinking about him all the time. And I want him to be thinking of me too.

I wanted to post about this to get some of my feelings out before I drive myself crazy. Besides, I think my friends are sick of hearing about him, at least for a little while! But here's what I ask: how do I ensure that we go on a 4th date, and 5th, and so on? How can I tell if he's into me or just testing the waters? Am I being too impatient? How many good dates does it take to make a guy want to be exclusive? And how the hell do I keep my fingers from dialing his number? ;-)

The thrill of the chase... it's driving me absolutely mad!

The rules of Seduction Shoes

I found out today that my friend from high school is finally getting to see her boyfriend again on Sunday after a nine-month tour of duty in Iraq. I am thrilled that he'll be coming home safe, and I'm sure they're missed each other (exaggerated wink). She was talking about how to make their reunion special, and it got me to thinking about shoes.

When men look at a woman, they see shapes, and maybe sometimes colors. Tight dress. Hourglass. Stilettos. Red. Boobs.


You get the idea.

They don't see brands, they don't appreciate runway inspiration and all those annoying monograms on purses look the same to them, whether LV or K-Mart. They appreciate glowing skin and shiny lips, but don't care about your "edgy" aquamarine eyeliner. What's the point here? Men are visual creatures, and while they appreciate a curvy figure, or cascading waves of hair, or long, lean legs, they are far less discriminating on actual items than women are. Simply put, they see the forest, not the trees.

Now, I never advocate dressing, speaking or acting in a way purely meant to please others, be those people men, other women, relatives, etc. Everyone should be themselves, and be free in their personal style, adjusting that style for special occasions and goals. But in my friend's case, where her darling man was away for a terribly long time, and they're both hoping for a sexy-as-hell, wild romp in the sack upon his return, she has an objective with what she chooses to wear: remind him how beautiful she is, and let him know she's excited enough to see him that she'll take the time to gussy herself up.

I have done the seduction outfit in the past, though not for a soldier's return. And while they say they don't care, men definitely notice shoes. That is where I would start to determine the style you're going for. But first, a few basic rules for Seduction Shoes.

1. The heel must be skinny and high. 3.5" minimum. No exceptions.
2. They must be strappy, peep-toed or show some skin. Round-toe pumps are too demure.
3. They must be kept in beautiful, clean condition (i.e., clean enough to be worn in bed)

Now for some suggestions and ideas.

To wear out on Saturday night, to let people know you're fun, energetic and ready to party.
L.A.M.B., $399


The nude-ish color and minimal straps with a delicate heel on these shoes will make your legs appear longer and, well, nude, which is always sexy, but in this case, more subtle.
Lumiani, $150


Skinny red heel? Red satin? Flirty bow accent? Peep toe? These shoes send the right signals without lacking class.
Steven, $114



These would be great seduction shoes if preceded with a formal event (wedding, gala, etc.). But tone down the sex appeal with a simple, elegant dress.
Stuart Weitzman, $228




By adding more straps, height and buckles, these shoes are just plain randy. Pair with a miniskirt and a top that leaves something to the imagination.
Type Z, $95



The Mary Jane styling and exposed platform are naughty-sexy and coy, but the red with black piping and elegant peep toe they're elegant enough to see public.
BCBG, $114





For the bedroom only. Pair with your best black lingerie and some serious cojones.
DSquared, $803




The pink hue, bow, and medium-height heel don't make this obviously sexy shoes, but if you wore them with a tight pencil skirt and low-cut top, they rock the sexy secretary look, and up the ladylike quotient.
Guess, $100


These have a subtle snake print, and it's close enough to skin color to make the view take a second look. The high heel, racy animal print and peep toe are great for the "lady in the street, freak in the bed" type.
Jessica Simpson, $93

Seduction shoes don't need to be expensive to be hot. Remember, the effect will come from shape and cut, but most importantly, it will come from the way you walk, lead with your hips, stand and feel when you wear tall heels. The seduction shoes are more of a state of mind.

Go get 'em girls!
Hayley

Which would you rather?

My favorite topic of conversation, third after style and music, is men. Not Carrie Bradshaw-type obsessive discussion, but more lighthearted fare, such as my favorite male get-ups.

I don't consider myself a male fashion connoisseur, nor do I desire to be. But I know, as a heterosexual woman, what looks good and what looks busted. Some male trends I never understood include cargo pants and shorts (does anyone actually keep stuff in there?), loud Hawaiian print shirts (same goes for Tiki and ethnic), "athletic sandals" such as Tevas and Chacos, and most recently, the huge-hat-with-flat-round-brim-and-multiple-stickers-left-on trend, fortunately left mostly to the high-school and college set. But it finds its way to Happy Hour once in a while.

Which brings me to the question: Given the trappings of the gentlemen below, which would you rather ____?

The Naughty Best Man*
Pros: dressed-up, yet disheveled and sexy
Cons: could be drunk


The Professional Undone
Pros: masculine business wear with a casual touch, looks intelligent
Cons: beware the short-sleeved button-down shirt


The Sleeping Beaux
Pros: simple, expert at spooning
Cons: abs not typical


The Post-Game Guy
Pros: muscles under dirty jerseys, bonus points for scratches and white football pants
Cons: could smell a little too manly


The Frat Daddy
Pros: classic, easy to do, laid back
Cons: definitely intoxicated, possible popped collar


The Free Spirit*
Pros: no distractions from the guy, puts you at ease
Cons: old (possibly rank) Birkenstocks or Reefs

Sweet dreams,
Hayley

* - my favorite looks for men

Sex Via Leather?

I got re-routed in my search for a new spring coat with the discovery of the Christian Louboutin Fetish.

I know what you're thinking..... "Hello, welcome to October 07." Well, I prefer to spend my fall days apple-picking, playing golf and squeezing out a few last BBQs and sails. So I just discovered this artful shoe, designed by the French masochistic wonder, for photographer David Lynch's Fetish exhibition in Paris, at the Galerie du Passage.

These shoes were designed specifically for "lying down. You cannot walk or stand in them." Translation: wear them in bed while waiting for your man, and once you get going, be careful not to stab him. For fashion as art, these shoes are fabulous. They're pushing 6in tall, and so very vertical that women's feet don't naturally arch that way. Come on now, even pointe shoes allow standing, and that's about as steep as it gets. For all the tall shoes I've worn, I've never tried a pair in which the balls of my feet were perpendicular to the floor. Sounds exciting, impossible and incredibly dangerous.

If you care to see some of the photography in this exhibit, here is the museum link: http://www.galeriedupassage.com/

No pictures of the crotch-high boots in flesh leather, with "blood" rubies on them yet, but we can dream, right?

Gotta love the French.