Completely Self-Indulgent

Warning... this post is going to be a very self-absorbed one, for reasons I'll explain below. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, commentary or a smile-and-nod reaction (providing you actually read it) but I do have some thoughts to get off my chest.

First off, a little background. Within the last year I ended a long-term relationship, and before that was college, where I (and the whole of my campus) was chronically single. Or, to put it in a more positive light, "having a good time." I've been doing a lot more dating lately, trying to get back into the game. It's been a while since I got off the bench and I'm having some trouble remembering how to play. Or if the game is even the same as it used to be.

(OK, enough with the metaphor. March Madness is over, Hayley.... get over it...)

Anyway, this past weekend I had my third date with a guy I'll call Pete. The first was drinks at a pub, lots of laughs, about 4 hours of conversation and an awesome goodnight kiss. The second was dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, and I'll be honest here, about an hour of PG-fun outside my apartment door. Lovely. This past weekend, I went to his place where he cooked me dinner, we had wine, watched a little "Entourage," and while we didn't abide by the Third Date Rule, there were some very good times had. We spent the last couple of hours of the date cuddling and talking, even dozing off a little bit. Finally at 2:00am I tore myself away and he walked me to a cab.

Sounds good so far, right?


The good signs include chivalry (paying for everything, opening doors, ladies first... swoon), intelligence (he used the word "pedantic" and I laughed along, then googled it while he was in the bathroom), hilarity (sharp, dry and smart), and sweetness (a 2:15am text that says "come back" and being told often, but not too often, that I'm beautiful). We talk on the phone about twice a week, for at least an hour each time. Our first date was March 14, so we've known each other less than a month... but it feels like so much longer.

Sounds great. At least in half my mind.

In the other half of my mind are many things. Self-consciousness. Why me? What do I have to offer? Does he see the flaws I see? Does he get as much out of this as I do? Tentativeness. How often can I call? I should wait for him to call. When should I make a first move? How do I keep him interested but also be honest about my feelings? Fear. I'm afraid he'll get bored or decide I'm not worthy of girlfriend status and will walk away.

I want to be Pete's girlfriend. I want to know that we only have each other in our romantic lives, that we're not both fishing, that he's as into me as I am into him. I want him to ask me to meet his family. I want to introduce him to my friends. I want to make breakfast for us and take him to the opera and fall asleep together on a blanket in the park.

Maybe I fall hard and fast... probably. While I'm guarded with my feelings around others, in private I'm willing the phone to ring and thinking about him all the time. And I want him to be thinking of me too.

I wanted to post about this to get some of my feelings out before I drive myself crazy. Besides, I think my friends are sick of hearing about him, at least for a little while! But here's what I ask: how do I ensure that we go on a 4th date, and 5th, and so on? How can I tell if he's into me or just testing the waters? Am I being too impatient? How many good dates does it take to make a guy want to be exclusive? And how the hell do I keep my fingers from dialing his number? ;-)

The thrill of the chase... it's driving me absolutely mad!